What Should You Do If You and Your Partner Keep Having the Same Argument?
Another late night of no sleep, no laughing, and no fun. It could be time to ask yourself, “If we weren’t arguing about X, what would we enjoy doing instead?”
Do you even have an answer? If you don’t, you probably don’t have much incentive to stop arguing. Flashback to when you started dating. What did you love doing together as a new couple? Can you build that back into the relationship?
Couples who prioritize having fun together tend to spend less time arguing. Regularly seeing your partner in a fun, loving way helps you remember the point of being in love, even while you’re arguing: to build a life together, not just get through life together.
Let’s pump the breaks and recalibrate. Here’s how to deal with repetitive arguments in your relationship.
Adjusting Your Perspective to Feel in Control Again
Some problems feel like relationship problems, but if you take a closer look, they may be easily resolved alone. The issue may not actually be your partner’s behavior, but rather your willingness to get worked up about it.
For example, if you’re frustrated that they never want to wake up early, ask yourself why you want them up early.
Are you upset that you never get to eat breakfast together?
Does sleeping in make you view them as a lazy person?
Do you spend your mornings cleaning, only to spend the rest of the day tired and resentful?
Let’s try shifting your thinking.
First, why does breakfast have to happen at 7 a.m.? Could you wait to eat breakfast at 10 a.m. when they’re awake?
Second, does sleeping in actually make them lazy, or is that just something you were taught to view as lazy?
Third, could you ask for cleaning help without the requirement of “it has to be done by the morning”?
Self-reflecting like this grants you the power to come up with your own solutions. Focus on controlling what you can and accepting what you can’t. (Especially if it starts affecting how you see your partner.)
Getting to the Root of the Problem
For arguments that stem from something deeply important to you, a more collaborative approach may be better. Some of the most common fights that couples get into are over…
Power or effort imbalances
Lack of trust in each other
Lack of respect for each other
Need for space and healthy independence
These are all fair reasons to feel tension with your partner. However, trying to explain that you need some space when you’re irritated can come out as, “Can you just leave me alone? You’re acting really clingy.”
Communicating your needs in an emotionally charged way will only further the cycle of bickering, not break it. Your best bet is to work with a trusted third party who can help you identify the root cause of your frustration, like a licensed professional counselor.
It Sounds Cheesy, But That’s the Point: Schedule Out Time to Argue
The key to arguing “healthily” is removing as much emotion from the conversation as possible. This doesn’t mean you should hide or suppress your emotions. Rather, you should feel them out to their fullest, then bring what you learned to the table when you can communicate honestly with respect and care.
Some therapists recommend scheduling out time to argue. Avoid times of the day that are meant for re-energizing yourself, like early in the morning or just before bed. Make the length dependent on your emotional stamina—15 minutes, 30 minutes, or an hour.
Most couples find that scheduling out time to argue is so absurd that they spend the first five minutes laughing about it. As a result, they end up talking about the problem as if it’s far more casual than it’s ever been before. This makes it easier to find a solution calmly as a team.
Ready to beef up your couples skills together? Schedule an appointment with me today.
